Waffles were almost done and coffee was percolating.  Marble considered herself to be one lucky lady.  She had a husband who she adored and she lived in a great house in the best part of town.  She was a carefree individual who always enjoyed life to the fullest.  Just as she was pouring coffee her husband Joe walked in.

"Good morning sweetheart!"
"Great timing, Joe!  The waffles are piping hot this morning."
"Ahhh...just the way I like 'em."

And with that, Joe tore through those waffles like a seamstress tears through an old pair of mouse trousers.  Marble loved seeing her husband happy.  It was the highlight of her morning.

"Well I'm off.  Have a wonderful morning!"
"But...you haven't even touched your coffee."
"I'll get some at the office.  Well, gotta run or I'm gonna be late!"

This was the third day in a row that Joe failed to drink his coffee.  No big deal.  Marble just chalked it up to the fact that he slept a bit longer in the mornings this week.  Just then there was a tap on the kitchen window.  It was her neighbor Din-Din who was prone to spontaneous pop-ins.

"So how's my ultra-groovy neighbor his morning?"
"Oh, fine."
"Hmmm.  You don't sound convincing.  Something on your mind?"
"Well, since you ask...there is something on my mind."
"So, what is it?"
"Joe didn't drink his coffee today, yesterday or the day before."
"Uh oh."
"Why the glum 'uh oh' ?"
"Gosh Marble.  Don't you know?  Making great coffee is your primary responsibility.  Without that, there are no guarantees."
"No guarantees?!  What on earth is that supposed to mean?!!"
"Well, I'm just saying.  Almost any girl can get a husband.  But keeping one requires the ability to make good coffee."
"But my coffee IS good!"
"Joe doesn't think so."
"Gee Din-Din.  Maybe you're right.  I'd better go to the supermarket and get a new brand."
"Get some of those expensive top shelf beans from Venezuela."
"Thanks for the tip.  I will!"

The next morning Marble got up two hours earlier than normal so she could focus on making the best coffee the world had ever tasted.  The new beans cost five times more than the old ones, but she didn't care.  Joe was worth it, and today he was going to fall in love with the intoxicating aroma and enjoy his coffee in the comfort of his own kitchen.  Just then her husband walked in, grabbed two biscuits from the table and was immediately heading for the door.

"Gotta run.  Have a great morning, honey!"
"Wait Joe.  Let me put your coffee in a 'to-go' cup!  Isn't that aroma something?"
"Wow, it sure is.  No time honey, gotta run.  Later!"

And with that he was gone.  He hadn't even tried the coffee that Marble had spent hours preparing.  Maybe it was the percolator.  Or maybe it was the way she was grinding the beans.  Marble strapped on her best high heels and left immediately to do some more shopping.  She was going to solve this problem once and for all no matter how much time and money it required.

The next morning Marble was ready to conquer.  Her professional new stainless steel percolator was the best of the best and her new grinder was guaranteed to grind beans meant for kings and emperors.  She worked for nearly three hours making sure she followed every instruction to the letter.  Now that the coffee was almost ready, she felt a strange sense of calm because she knew that this time her husband was going to drink his coffee and enjoy it.  Joe came in and sat down.  He seemed to be in a particularly good mood this morning.

"Mmmm...it's another beautiful morning!"
"It sure is, Joe."
"Well, gotta run!  Have a great morning baby doll!"

And with that Joe was out the door.  He didn't even look at his coffee cup this time.  In fact, he seemed to ignore it even more than before.  Marble felt a couple of small tears running from the corners of her eyes.  She wanted to be a good wife.  She really did.  But apparently she was not as good as she wanted to be.  Maybe adding something to the coffee would help.  Maybe something that would make it irresistible.  Marble went to the local chemistry store and bought some additives that were guaranteed to make a husband drink just about anything.  She wasn't sure of the long term consequences but it didn't matter.  Right now she just wanted her husband to drink his coffee.

The next morning it was the same preparation routine, except this time right at the very end she added just the right amount of chemical additive.  When Joe sat down to eat his waffles, Marble opted for the direct approach this time.

"Don't forget your coffee this morning, Joe!  I made it special today so that it is exceptionally tasty."
"No time, gotta get to work!"
"Now Joe, you wait just a minute now.  You don't like my coffee and I want to know why."
"Honey, don't be silly.  Your coffee is always there.  Each and every morning without fail, it is always there no matter what."
"What does that mean?  Always there?  That doesn't even make sense!"
"Your coffee is always there, sweetheart.  Each and every morning.  In the percolator and in the cups.  It is always there.  Well, I'm gonna be late if I don't run.  Have a wonderful morning!"

And with that Joe was gone again and he hadn't even sipped a drop.  This morning it wasn't just a tear or two.  Marble suddenly broke down and was crying her eyes out with her head and arms resting on the tabletop.  She was sobbing so loudly that she almost didn't hear Din-Din's familiar tap on the window.  She tried to dry her face and then opened the door.

"Marble dear!  You've been crying!"
"Sobbing is more like it.  Joe won't drink my coffee no matter what I do.  Oh Din-Din!  I don't know what I'm going to do!"
"If he doesn't like your coffee, I can tell you what you're going to do.  You're going to find yourself out of the house searching for a new husband."
"NO!!!"
"Sorry, but that's a yes.  A wife that can't make good coffee is a wife that is easily replaced."
"Oh Din-Din!  I don't want to hear it but I know it's true.  I'm a bad wife.  I'm a very VERY BAD WIFE!"
"Well not forever.  But right now I'm afraid you very much are.  But I have an idea that just might change things."

Din-Din explained her detailed plan to Marble.  Although she was uncomfortable with parts of it, she let Din-Din come over for breakfast the next morning so they could at least give it a shot.  The two had already begun chowing down on their waffles when Joe appeared at the table.

"Well look who's joining us today.  Hey Din-Din!  Always a pleasure!"
"Likewise, I'm sure," Din-Din replied.  The she quickly focused her gaze upon Joe's nose.
"Dear, dear.  Joe has something stuck on his nose!"

Before he knew what was happening Din-Din was wiping Joe's nose clean with a dish towel.  Or at least that's what he thought.  In actuality, the cloth had been soaked with a hefty amount of chloroform.  Within seconds Joe fell into a deep deep sleep.  Din-Din caught his head in one hand while she cocked his jaws open with the other.  Then she gave Marble the green light.

"Do it!  Now!!!"

Marble poured Joe's coffee directly down his throat and then massaged his neck to make sure the swallowing process would occur.  Then she grabbed a pitcher of ice cold water from the refrigerator and poured it on top of her husband's head.

"Muhhhh.....urrrrr...uh....  What-t-t- h-h-h-happened?"
"It's just a small leak in the ceiling, Joe!  I'll get it fixed while you're at work.  You'd better go or you'll be late!"
"Oh...oh...okay.  Okay.  Gotta r-r-run-n-n-nnn..."

Joe staggered out the door.  As soon as he was out of earshot Marble and Din-Din began dancing around the kitchen to celebrate the fact that he finally drank his coffee.  Maybe Marble wasn't a bad wife after all.  Maybe she wouldn't be put out on the street like a mangy old dog.  They both sat down to finish their breakfast.  Marble looked at her friend's plate and looked puzzled.

"Gosh Din-Din.  You haven't even touched your waffles.  Is something wrong?"
"Well, ummm...  I guess it's just that I have come to the conclusion that I am a marginal character."
"We don't have time for that this time.  Now be on your way so I can get this damn kitchen cleaned up!"

And with that, Din-Din was out the door faster than a slice of frosted barn lava in Nova Scotia.

END

   

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