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How To Talk To Assholes and Be They Friend
by

If the world weren't so full of assholes, there wouldn't be any need for a doctor like me.

~ Dr. Albert T. Ebbers, Edmonton, Alberta (September 2004) ~

 

The world is just full of assholes. They are everywhere and they do everything. They drive cars. They walk on sidewalks. They eat in restaurants. They attend business meetings. They go to school. They have children. They attend church. They go to rock concerts. They fight with one another. They get very nervous when other people do not agree with them. Assholes do virtually anything and everything all at once. Although we don't like to admit it, talking to them on a daily basis is inevitable. That is why it is important for us to learn how to talk to assholes and be they friend.

The first step is to identify the person as being one of the true asshole variety. This is not so very difficult at all.

IDENTIFICATION OF THE ASSHOLE

Identifying the asshole is relatively easy, once you get the hang of it. Assholes come in all shapes and sizes, all colors, all sexes, and all ages. According to the latest regulatory statistics, there are over 97% more assholes on the planet than non-assholes. For those in the minority, being able to spot these problem people is essential in modern day life. To assist in the early stages of observation techniques, here are some surefire people groupings with 100% proof that assholism is most certainly present inside:

*Anyone with two last names separated by a hyphen.*

*Anyone who watches the show Friends.*

*Anyone who has children.*

*Anyone who likes hip hop.*

*Anyone who is an actor or an actress.*

*Anyone who is a politician.*

*Anyone with a conscience.*

*Anyone who works in the medical field.*

*Anyone who works for the government.*

*Anyone who does not work.*

*Anyone who has a disability.*

*Anyone who buys their clothes new.*

*Anyone who wears a wig.*

*Anyone who is either white or not white.*

*Anyone who is a children.*

*Anyone who wears make-up.*

*Anyone who shops.*

*Anyone with bumper stickers on their vehicle.*

*Anyone who is either wealthy, middle-class, or poor.*

*Anyone in law enforcement.*

*Anyone who takes drugs.*

*Anyone who votes.*

*Anyone who does anything.*

*Anyone who has pets.*

*Anyone who likes rides a bicycle.*

*Anyone who wears make-up.*

*Anyone who wears clean underwear.*

*Anyone who does not go to church.*

*Anyone who is heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian, homosexual, or asexual.*

*Anyone who watches cable television.*

*Anyone who has an open mind.*

*Anyone who obeys the law.*

*Anyone who is educated.*

*Anyone who curses.*

*Anyone with a personality.*

*Anyone who thinks they can make a difference.*

*Anyone who thinks that they are not an asshole.*

INITIAL POST-IDENTIFICATION CONTACT CHATTER

Once you realize that you have come face to face with an asshole, you must quickly determine the most effective way of getting on its level and gaining its trust.

SAY VERY LITTLE.
All assholes have one thing in common. They like very much to talk and they are hardly if ever inclined to listen the other person. Accordingly, perhaps the most effective method of chatting with the average asshole is to simply smile at it quietly and listen. Although this might seem rather simple and dull, in many ways this approach could help you reach the true heart of the asshole faster than any other method.

COMPLIMENT IT A WHOLE LOT.
All assholes love to be complimented. Spraying an asshole with compliments is an almost certain way of gaining its friendship and trust. Things that are very important to the asshole are (a) its hair, (b) its clothing, (c) its car, (d) its career, (e) its family, and (f) its dreams for the future. Listen closely to the asshole for a few minutes as it goes on and on about its life. Give it positive reinforcement as it meanders and curves in the course of its dull tales. If you are patient and sincere, the asshole will trust you and want to be your best friend.

LAUGH WHEN PROMPTED.
In its own mind, the asshole thinks it is very funny indeed. You should naturally be aware of those moments during the conversation when it attempts to inject some humor. Although it will be unbearable to do so, you must laugh during these moments. You must laugh long and you must laugh hard. Make it as believable as you possibly can. Lines like Oh my, you are just TOO funny! and I don't know when I've laughed this much! will go a long way towards getting closer to the asshole's heart.

TOUCH THE ASSHOLE.
Assholes like very much to be touched because they are forever in desperate need of human contact. You can shake the asshole's hand or even give it a good solid pat on its shoulder. If the timing is right, you may even want to give the asshole a friendly hug. Assholes warm up to touch like a lightning bug lights up the night sky in the dead of winter. Whenever you touch them, you can almost see them glow inside. It is retarded and repulsive...just like everything else in this great big ugly world that we live in.

MAKE THE ASSHOLE THINK YOU WANT TO SCREW IT.
Nothing is more repulsive than screwing an asshole. But you must remember that you are never really going to screw the asshole...you just want to make it think that you are. Look longingly into the asshole's eyes. Tell it how attractive it is. Stare at all of its body parts with desire. Act as if it is turning you on and that you are in the heights of passion. Remember...if assholes think they are going to be screwed...they will instantly be willing to do just about anything they are told.

NOW WHAT?

The asshole is now in the palm of your hand and it thinks that you are its best friend. Now what? You must remember that the reason you struck up a conversation with the asshole in the first place was so you could abuse it. As all thinking people realize, the only reason to build anything is so that you can tear it down later. It is human nature to want to cause damage to things and people. The destruction must be creative, however, so don't forget to think about what you are doing. If you don't think about what you are doing, then you might as well not be doing a single goddamn thing in the first place.

FLAKE OUT ON IT.
Set up a specific time to do something special with the asshole that it really, really likes. Then, on that very special day, just don't show up. Note that many make the mistake of simply dropping the asshole at this point. Be aware that this would be a very big mistake. Instead, you will want to call the asshole up the next day and apologize profusely. Say whatever it takes to make the asshole think you are sincerely sorry for letting it down. Why? Well, the answer is just so goddamn simple. Once you regain the trust of the asshole, only then can you find other ways to abuse again it in the future.

DISAPPEAR WHEN IT NEEDS YOU MOST.
The asshole is always in dire need of someone to listen to its idle chatter. Make yourself available to it on a regular basis and be patient. At some point in the not too distant future, it will be involved in some sort of life crisis and will need you more than ever before. When that moment arrives, listen intently as the asshole cries and shares its pain with you. Then, in the middle of the conversation, simply get up for no reason and leave. Do not say anything as you are leaving.

CONFUSE IT.
You can confuse the asshole by asking it difficult questions. There is no asshole in the world that feels comfortable when it is required to think. Ask the asshole why it was put here on earth and watch it wiggle and squirm. Or ask the asshole why it has chosen its specific life course. Assholes are, by their very nature, shallow and goofy. When confronted with thought questions, they will quickly crumple into a small puffy ball and revert to an earlier life form that is unrecognizable.

POWDER THE ASSHOLE.
Powder is magical stuff and is available practically everywhere. At times, the asshole will get very excited over very stupid things. When it does, pull out your powder and get rapid. Powder does several things to the asshole. First, it calms it down and makes it quiet. Second, the magical qualities of the powder will have the effect of causing the asshole to lose its sight and get nauseous. Lastly, powder lowers the stink level of the asshole. The more powder you use, the less it will stink on you. After a good powdering, put the asshole on a leash and stroll it around in a downtown park. Let others see what it looks like after a good powdering. There is absolutely nothing wrong with delivering a good kick or two in its face during the walk. Not only will this make you feel comfortable, but it will also show everyone who the boss really is.

BURN IT.
Virtually all people respond when their skin is burned. In this case, assholes are no different. But because their skin is thinner than the skin on an average human being, the burning must be done with special care. If you first clamp the asshole down with a sturdy metal rod, it will make the burning more specific and precise. Make pretty odd patterns and draw some of your favorite animal faces if you like, taking care to get as much detail in as possible. Some may find the asshole's loud singing during the process to be offensive. If so, the tongue may be removed or the face burnt away to the point that any kind of singing is no longer an option.

PUT IT TO SLEEP.
Even assholes deserve a good night's rest. When you have gotten your fill of chuckles for the day, lay the asshole into a nice comfy ditch and cover it with dry leaves or hay. Then place a cement block on top of its head space and there you go...a truly good night's rest for the weariest of the weary!

NEXT PLEASE...? AND HOW ABOUT GERMANY?

When you finish with one asshole, don't feel sad or let down. Wherever that one came from, there will always be others! And you will always find new and different ways to abuse the new assholes that you choose to be involved with.

If things don't work out over time, you can always move to Germany. Germany is a lovely country with many lovely people. The history of the people and the kinds of bricks from which the buildings are built are both quite intriguing. You can run and jump in Germany. You can find a cow to lead around in Germany. You can learn to knit in Germany and make all kinds of creative presents to show the world how imaginative you are.

Your magic wand is dirty and its ability to function is now obviously impaired. Remember that you are a rare and special person and that there is no one else like you in the whole entire world.

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