In a peculiar turn of events, a rock band has requested
that their review and interview be removed from the babysue web site.
About a month ago, I reviewed a CD by a new band...giving it a high rating. Not long afterward, I was contacted about doing an interview with the band. Though I would not have sought the band out, I decided that it would be a good opportunity to help out a struggling band with a couple of good songs.
The interview with Musician X went well, despite the fact that he was extremely shy and took an unusual amount of care to make sure that every word and sentence that came out of his mouth was phrased JUST RIGHT. The fellow was overly serious about everything, despite the fact that I kept trying to lighten things up. After the tape ended, I was surprised by the man's concluding statement.
"I like to get really drunk and kill things," Musician X said.
"Pardon me?" I asked, hardly believing my ears. Earlier in the interview, the fellow had been so careful to only present nice, socially acceptable ideas.
"I said I like to get really drunk and kill things," Musician X repeated sternly. "Not only that, but deep down I really hate minorities. Promise me that you won't include any of this in the interview or anything, though..."
"You have my word," I replied.
That night I transcribed the interview, praising the band and their new CD. I uploaded the interview onto our web site and forgot about it.
A couple of weeks later, I received a phone call from Publicist X.
POINT #1. It should be noted here that in all the years I have dealt with this particular company, Publicist X had never once contacted me personally. Because my publication isn't as big and important as some others, one of her employees was designated as my contact.
POINT #2. How do you tell a good publicist from a bad publicist? Answer: Good publicists treat all writers with respect, despite their size and distribution. Bad publicists sucker up to big publications, but only personally contact the smaller ones when a problem arises.
"I was calling to speak with whoever the person is who calls himself LMNOP," Publicist X began.
"That would be me," I replied. "I don't think we've ever met each other in person, have we? It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"No, I don't believe we've ever actually spoken before," replied Publicist X in a somewhat cold manner.
I began to wonder why Publicist X herself was calling this time instead of her employee. After speaking for a few moments about nothing in particular, the truth finally came out.
"I received a phone call from Musician X that you interviewed on your web site," Publicist X explained. "After he read some of your material, the band has decided they don't want to have any connections with you."
I noticed there was an odd hesitation in the woman's voice. It was almost as if she was afraid to confront me on the issue. I suppose she was expecting me to throw a fit and refuse to remove the material (both of which initially crossed my mind).
"I'll be glad to remove the material," I replied. "I was actually trying to help the band by promoting their music, you know..."
"Well, they don't want your kind of help," Publicist X flatly replied. "And by the way...exactly what is it you're trying to say with your work?"
"Excuse me?" I asked.
"What is it that you're trying to say?" she asked again. "After reading some of your comics, I can only come to the conclusion that you are a white supremacist."
"Oh, that's me all right..." I answered slowly. "I'm a dangerous white supremacist. And in answer to your question, I'm not trying to say anything in particular."
POINT #3. So what if I WERE a white supremacist? Would it be any of this woman's goddamn business?
"Maybe you should consider the effect that your writing has on other people," the woman lectured.
I began to notice Publicist X's voice getting shaky, so I tried to console her. I told her to apologize to the band for me, and I assured her that I would immediately remove all the pertinent materials from my web site.
POINT #4. Not once during our conversation did Publicist X bother to thank me for the time I had spent promoting her band. The only reason she was contacting me in person on this particular occasion was because she wanted to save her own ass...and to scold me for being BAD.
Not more than a minute later, Publicist X began getting extremely emotional and began to cry.
"There's something else that I have to confess to you," the woman managed to peep between sobs.
"Well, what is it for Heaven's sake?" I asked. "What's on your mind?"
"I...ummm...I don't know exactly how to say this but... I am a lesbian!" the woman suddenly blurted out. "And I read that mean article that you have on your web site about lesbians! Why do you write such cruel things? And why do you hate lesbians so much?!?"
"Who said I hate lesbians?" I replied. "Just because I write something, it doesn't mean that it represents my views on any particular topic. I apologize if you were offended by any of my work, and I hope this doesn't affect our working relationship in the future."
"It certainly will not, and I thank you for the apology," the woman replied as she immediately began to calm down. "I can't say that I agree with what you're doing...but you certainly have the right to say whatever it is you want to say. Oh, and one more thing..."
"What's that?" I asked.
"To be honest with you," Publicist X confided, "I wouldn't really give a damn about any of this except Record Company X might refuse to pay me if you didn't take that stuff off of your site. Hell, that's the only reason that I even visited your web site in the FIRST place!"
"Well, you just calm yourself. Everything will be all right," I replied. "The matter will be taken care of within the hour."
POINT #5. Although Publicist X didn't realize it, I had already heard she was a lesbian through the grapevine...so her big confession didn't amount to SHIT.
The conversation ended, but afterwards I realized that something was bothering me about the situation. It didn't take long to realize that it was the simple fact that Musician X and Publicist X are just so GODDAMN STUPID.
POINT #6. If you are in an unknown band and you are very concerned about being connected with publications because of their content, then you should CHECK OUT THE PUBLICATION BEFORE DOING THE INTERVIEW.
POINT #7. If you're in a little nobody band that no one has heard of (or cares about), then every bit of exposure counts...no matter WHERE it comes from. Hell, if I were in a band trying so desperately to "make it", I would want my music reviewed by everyone...no matter if they were Christians, Satanists, murderers, child molesters, terrorists or whatever. You can always identify really, REALLY stupid people because they do things based on principles.
POINT #8. Why did I remove the material in the first place, you may ask? Hey...I figure it's anyone's right to request anything. And besides, after realizing what touchy, pathetic morons these people are I no longer liked their music anyway. And I CERTAINLY didn't want to promote their stuff on my web site after this episode. Sheesh!
FINAL POINT. If the folks in the band were so offended, why didn't they have the BALLS to call me themselves? Were they AFRAID? Or too UPSET? Probably not. They were just plain WEAK and STUPID.
I learned a great deal from this little episode. First, any record company or publicist that tries to tell me how to run my publication (or what I should or should not write) is a record company or publicist that I do not need in my life. Secondly, it is always better to lie to upset little fools than to try and explain reality to them.
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WAIT...IT'S NOT OVER YET... Not long after the anecdote above was posted on the Internet, a reader claiming to be Publicist X sent the following e-mail:
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Hey there-
Publicist X here (the lesbian crybaby who finally stopped sucking corporate dick enough to call you awhile back)... Just accidentally bumped into your website, and saw the little story you wrote about Musician X and Publicist X. Just wanted to say, you are a hysterical writer with a very active imagination... I'm serious. I'm just curious why you don't take your stuff to a broader audience... say books? I have a great agent if you want her phone number.
I hope the reason you aren't already a well-known writer isn't because you are afraid to say in person (say, for example, on tv as part of a book tour, or in person to an agent or editor) what you write...? My lesbian girlfriend and I were just joking this morning about people we know or who we have to deal with who are completely one way when you speak to them, and then they turn around and say/do something completely different when they can hide behind the fax/internet/whatever... I think the word we found to describe those people was COWARDS...
Anyway, I doubt that applies to you. You are really just writing paradies, right? Well, thanks for supporting, er, well, whatever it is you really do support (as opposed to all those things you write about but don't really think/believe, er, did I get that right?) Whatever... I'm glad you have so much time on your hands. You seem to enjoy yourself immensely, and I'm sure you feel very proud of your work. And that's what's important in life, now isn't it?
big wet sloppy lesbian kisses from Publicist X
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