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Neuter & Pipkin

"There isn't any reason to be concerned about anything.  The world is just a place for temporary amusement."

These are the thoughts than ran through Neuter's mind as he lay in the lush warm grass watching the clouds roll by in the sky.  He knew he was quite different from other kittens but he never fully understood why.  Ultimately he didn't really care because he did not want to be preoccupied with unnecessary thoughts and superfluous details.  His goal in life was to just feel good and have fun.

A small leaf fell onto the grass and stood erect with the wind causing it to gently flutter.  Neuter jumped up and chased it.  When he eventually caught the leaf he tore it to shreds with his razor sharp claws.  Then he sniffed at the fragments which caused a tiny slight sneeze.  Then it was back to the grass for a long deep snooze.

In his dream Neuter was being served several dozen platters of piping hot pancakes.  As they were placed in front of him, the server poured an exceptionally generous serving of hot salmon syrup over them, so much so that they were swimming in a small table pool of thick sugar.   Neuter ate one stack of pancakes.  Then he ate another.  Then he ate another and another.  When he was almost done he heard a nearby voice.  Who was it?  Where was the voice coming from?

"Neuter?  Neuter!  Wake up this instant!"

He opened his eyes to find his best friend Pipkin at his side, quietly nudging him with her soft fresh paws.

"Ah, good morning my dear Pipkin," said Neuter as he regained consciousness.

"And a good morning to you Neuter.  Now get up and let's get going!"

And with that, the two were up romping and scurrying as fast as they could through the vast green meadow.  The sun was shining and the wind was blowing.  And all was right in the world where they lived.  Neuter remembered now that they were scheduled to attend a patio party with a family of beavers.  It was one of those anybody-who-is-anybody-will-be-there affairs so they didn't want to be late.

When they arrived at the patio, Neuter and Pipkin stopped for a quick moment to properly groom themselves.  Appearing sloppy or having one's fur out of place could be cause for expulsion, and they certainly didn't want that.  Once they were satisfied with their appearances, they carefully sauntered up to the gathering and began to mingle with the beavers.

These weren't just any beavers.  These were the transformative bonkers-type beavers whose shapes were constantly in flux.  It made communication somewhat difficult because the continuous transformations made it hard to maintain steady eye contact.

It wasn't long before Host Gina came over to welcome them to the party.

"Pipkin darling, you're looking tube-tastic!" Gina exclaimed.  "And Neuter, the most handsome one of all, as usual!"

Both kittens responded appropriately by nudging Gina's paws with their noses.  They didn't want to appear subservient, but they did want to show proper respect for their host.

Gina held her paws up toward the sun as they began glowing hot orange.  Within seconds the color expanded into a blinding white light that extended well up into and beyond the earth's atmosphere.

"Would you like some bubblegum?"

Butthole Beaver was holding a tray overflowing with extravagant designer bubblegum.  Neuter and Pipkin each took pieces and popped them into their mouths.

A small sound coming from below caused them to look down.  There they found a teeny tiny toy train slowly traveling around the patio making its way from one foot to the next without ever actually touching any.  The chugging noise was constant and reassuring, and it meant that the entertainment would soon begin.

Pretty Miss Dodger Parrot took to the stage, flashing streaks of velvet and precious metals over the audience.  Her resilient colorful appearance was immediately the center of attention and she knew it.  As music from the local viola quintet surged in the background, she sang her song of center:

Hail to the flips and flops.
Hail to the floppy mops.
Hail to the snooty rooms.
Hail to the vacuum fumes.
We are the films and blooms.
We live in separate rooms.
Our brains is all scant and frail.
We tempted the lost tootie trail.

The parrot's mesmerizing voice drew everyone into her strange lyrical world that caused tissue letters to flirt about in the wind.  The letters would occasionally combine to create sentences in mid air, although they were more often seen in confusing globs that meant absolutely nothing.

Gina presented Neuter and Pipkin with a fresh branch of Leverage Product, along with a nicely cleaned automatic insertion device.  The Leverage Product was placed in a small urchin of boiling water until a potent formula was created.  Gina sucked it up into the insertion device and rewarded the kittens for everything that was possible.  As euphoria hit, the kittens began to foam around in a floating circle.  Slowly at first but then accelerating at a steady pace.  The beavers began to dance underneath the circle and they chanted their familiar mantra with determination and skill:

Ramp a pump, noonoo.
  Hoo the hoo, hoohoo.
Lump of the mass.
Clump of the sass.
Awe for the jaw of molasses.

They kept repeating the mantra and each time they did it was louder and more distorted.  The kittens became a combined sort of jet fuel that forked into fragments and retrieved itself into the brain cells of the beavers.  The combination of the smoke, music and transformations resulted in the instant creation of a large crystal that quickly caused everything to combine into a single element.

The element was round and ultra-franny.  It tipped over and hit the ground, bursting into billions of tiny pattycake particles.  Everyone praised the proud majesty of the Almighty Authorization Code.

All was once again right and good with the world.

And there wasn't any reason to be concerned about a goddamn thing.


THE END

 




   

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