About / Contact    T-Shirts    NEWS

Coffee Problems 02 (a story)...plus babysue Comics and Mini Posters.
Read different stuff each month at LMNOP.com.

In Coffee Problems 01 Marble was having great difficulty making coffee that would please her husband Joe.  Eventually Marble and her friend Din-Din came up with a plan that worked.  They rendered Joe unconscious and forced it down his throat.  At that point they figured they had solved the problem.  But there was more yet to come...
It made Marble feel great knowing that her husband Joe finally drank her coffee before leaving for work.  But now she was having feelings of guilt because she wasn't sure using chloroform in order to achieve her goal was morally right.  While she was snacking on her lunch sandwich she heard that familiar tap-tap-tapping on the kitchen window.  It was her number one sidekick Din-Din coming over for her daily visit.

"Oh my dear Marble.  I thought we had fixed things.  But you still seem unhappy."
"You're right.  I'm not happy, Din-Din.  Maybe we shouldn't have made Joe drink my coffee against his own free will."
"Is that what this is all about?  You silly silly thing!"

Din-Din's eyes danced in circles while she talked.  Her Marlboro mouth moved slower than the words she was saying and there was a fuzzy halo of light hovering around her forehead.

"I've got to talk to Joe tomorrow morning and get everything out in the open."
"Are you crazy?  That's a terrible idea."
"Terrible or not, that's what I've got to do."

And with that, Din-Din got up and huffed her way out of the house.  Marble figured it was better to lose a friend than a husband, so she had to stick with her plan.  The next morning she was cooking up a hot batch of waffles like normal with coffee happily brewing in the percolator.  Joe walked in and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"How's my favorite little porch zombie this morning?"
"Great Joe.  I'm doing great.  But I want to know how you are doing."
"I'm wonderful, Marble.  I'm always wonderful.  That's why you married me.  I am always a wonderful man."
"That you are, Joe.  That you are."
"You remember old Mrs. Inches who lives on Catfish Drive?"
"Yes, of course.  She's such a kind old soul."
"Well that kind old soul cut her face off with broken pieces of a mirror and fed it to her dogs."
"Cut her face off and fed it to her dog.  Apparently she was able to cauterize the veins to keep from bleeding to death."
"Well maybe she was just in a generous mood that day."
"Yeah.  After all, it was her face."
"Drink the coffee I made for you Joe.  Drink it now."

After quickly glancing at his watch Joe was up and out the door faster than fifty bolts of creamy fudge lightning.

"Gotta run or I'll be late for work!"

So there she was again.  Marble was alone in the kitchen with a piping hot percolator full of coffee that her husband wouldn't drink.  How could the world deal her such a devastating blow?  How could her world have regressed into such sadness and depression?  How could she figure out anything?  What was she going to do?  She decided to go next door and talk to Din-Din again.

Marble was surprised that Din-Din even let her inside the house considering how angry she was the day before.  But now everything seemed fine.  In fact, everything seemed even better than fine.  Din-Din was reverberating on a pretzel stick high.

"God you look beautiful today Marble!  What did you do with your hair?"
"I mailed it to Albuquerque so it could be evaluated by small mammals."
"That was so sweet of you.  Small mammals are so cool!"
"I need some therapy Din-Din."
"Okay.  Here's some therapy."
"No, no.  I mean, I need to talk to you about my situation so that you can offer some more ideas."
"Okay.  Here are some ideas."
"Hey Din-Din, why isn't your baby in its crib?"
"Oh, that old thing?  I drove it downtown last night and tossed it in the river."
"Yup.  Got tired of it and decided to get rid of it."
"Wow, that's great.  It was a rotten baby anyway."
"That's what everybody said.  Good riddance.  Now I can get an otter like I've always wanted."
"Otters are soooooooo cute!"
"Way cuter than shitty little screaming babies.  I'll come over later and we can talk about your coffee problems."
"Wow, that would be great Din-Din!  I'll make us some potato sandwiches so we can munch."

Marble ran home and polished the kitchen floor using a new product that was guaranteed to make it super shiny.  Then she whizzed around in circles frying up special happy potatoes.  She slapped them on slices of bread and ladled hut mustard butter on top.  Maybe Din-Din would come up with her best ideas if her mouth was crammed full of fresh potato sandwiches.

Din-Din didn't bother tapping on the window this time, she just let herself in and began modeling the new dress that her girlfriend had purchased at a swap meet.

"Do you like the new me?"
"Oh yes.  Soooooo fashionable.  So chic.  And so very very...child-free."
"You got THAT right!"

Din-Din began to boogie with a trippy multi-colored light bulb.  She pulled Marble up beside her and two began dancing to gospel death metal that was being funneled into the room through fifteen-inch woofers.

Thump.  Thump.  Thump.  Thud.  Thud.  Thud.

The two ladies were having such a wonderful time that Marble completely forgot Joe was coming home early.  Right when the music was reaching a crescendo, Joe walked in and perched on a jelly fountain.

"I am the parrot king of clear ripple food!" Joe declared.
"Oh Joe!  You knew I wanted a parrot."
"Well, now you have one.  Beat it Din-Din.  You two can't pretend to be Grade B dancers anymore.  Marble and I need to discuss something serious."
"Okay!  I am leaving now!  Goodbye Marble!  Goodbye Joe!"

Once Din-Din was gone, the kitchen became a cage with two perches.  Marble felt herself evolve into an elevated raven...a particularly large raven with pulsing green eyes.

"Pretty bird!" Joe chirped.  "Pretty bird!  Pretty bird!"

Marble hopped up onto the perch and ruffled her feathers.  She wasn't sure if ravens could speak, but she sure was going to give it a try.

"Mrawk?  Mrrrrrawk?"
"Here, use this discipher box."

Marble clutched the box with her claws and squeezed tight.  Suddenly she could speak again.

"Joe.  Would you like some evening coffee?"

Before his head could finish transforming into a miniature television, Joe was riveting rivets in rings everywhere.  The rings were sturdy and steady at first.  But then they began to move.  The more they moved the more oblong they became.  Marble was drawn into the oblong shapes and nursed on a mouse to fabricate the mutual evolution.

"The coffee is the problem.  The coffee is not the problem."
"Joe?  What on earth are you saying?"
"The problem is not the problem.  But the problem is the problem."
"Joe?  Hello?  Are you there Joe?"
"Yes-um.  Me-um husband-um Joe-um.  And me-um big-um injun brave!"
"Why are you talking like that?"
"Talking like-um what-um?"
"Like some kind of loco American Injun!"
"Me talk-um like-um Injun because me-um AM-um Injun!"
"You can't just change your voice all of a sudden.  Your character hasn't been developed fully enough to go off into some parallel universe like that."
"Who-um CARES-um.  Ha ha HA HA HA ha HA hahaha."
"First Din-Din is concerned about being a marginal character.  And now you're confusing everyone by talking like an Injun."
"Me-um not CARE-um."
"Well obviously.  So you know what?  Hell, I don't care either.  We were supposed to be solving our coffee problem.  Remember?  Remember that?  And lately it seems like we do anything BUT that."
"We-um get-um back to-um coffee thing-um next-um time-um!"
"Good idea.  Cock-a-doodle doo!  I'm a rooster raven now!  And I am a nurse, nervous on my perch!"
"And I'm a little chick-chick pecking his way out of a baby blue eggshell!"

Joe flopped his way out of the shell and lay limp on the counter like a batch of newly unfrozen raw chicken tenders.  The rooster raven caressed her little chick-chick with velvet-lined wings and draped him in second-hand swaddling clothes.  Then they both coddled up inside the leverage of a dog ration bowl and began to purr.

The comfortable complex was optical.

So off they went.  Chugging right on back to Nebraska where they would find newly refurbished Echoplexes being attached to their adjective drool baits.


 2024 LMNOP aka dONW7