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Napkin's Magic Thing
There were lots of teenagers around, but none of them were as lost and troubled as Napkin. She grew up in a world where everything seemed unfamiliar and unfair and she was never able to effectively relate to anyone. Because of Napkin's overall detachment, other people just did not like her AT ALL. She was selfish and ugly. And she never did anything to help anyone else, ever.
One lazy summer afternoon Napkin went outside and got in her inflatable pool. The cool water was refreshing and wonderful and it helped her forget her lousy disappointing life. Everything seemed calm and neat, but suddenly there was a loud POP nearby. It sounded like a huge pane of glass breaking.
A Pixie had suddenly appeared out of nowhere and was floating about a foot above the ground. It was wearing a traditional ruffled outfit with extra nice trim around the edges. It had raging thick orange eyes and a grin that made her feel silly and useless.
"Napkin, Napkin," the Pixie stuttered while shaking its head. "What is the trouble today, Napkin?"
Instead of answering the question, Napkin blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
"Who...who ARE you?" she spat out.
"I am your Pixie and I am here to grant you a Magic Thing!" it said happily.
"But...what kind of thing is it?" Napkin asked.
"Here, try it...you'll like it!" laughed the Pixie.
He waved his sparkling wand around Napkin's head. And as he did, she suddenly felt a strange sense of personal euphoria. Her breathing slowed to a snail's pace and for the first time ever a lot of things seemed real important for some reason.
"So...what IS my Magic Thing?"
"Wouldn't you like some ice cream?" the Pixie asked.
"Well, sure!" Napkin said.
And just as the words left her lips she suddenly hurfed up three extra large scoops of the most delicious chocolate chip mint ice cream anyone had ever tasted. She slurped it up quickly because the sunshine was making it melt really fast.
"I can vomit things on command!" Napkin gushed excitedly.
"That's right," said the Pixie. "Now go out there into the world and share that special power with others."
Napkin ran inside and quickly changed out of her swimsuit and into a pretty little business uniform she had been saving for future endeavors. She jumped on her scooter and started buzzing around to find someone to help. She passed a car on the side of the road with the hood up. A hefty man was leaning over the motor and swearing at the top of his lungs.
"Damn car, always needing OIL!" he cursed while waving his fist in the air.
"Here is oil," Napkin said.
Napkin put her head over the motor and a loose trail of thick globby oil was thrust from her throat right into the car where it was needed. The man got inside and it started up immediately.
"Gosh, thanks Missy!" he called out as he sped away. "I love you!"
"I love you too mister!" she cried out.
Napkin knew this was going to be an excellent day. She continued scooting along until she came upon a mobile Barbecue Van. The cook inside seemed distraught and upset.
"I have run out of BRUNSWICK STEW again!" he cried out. "My customers will never EVER forgive me!"
"Here is stew," Napkin said.
And with that, she opened her mouth wide and a large stream of the tastiest Brunswick Stew that there ever was spewed right out of her throat and into the cook's hefty Stew Bucket.
"You saved my life!" the cook cried out. "And the damn stuff is already WARM even!"
"Glad to help out," Napkin replied. Then she got right back on her scooter and rode away.
It wasn't long before she came upon a poor old homeless alcoholic. The man was laying on the street clutching an empty bottle in a crumpled crummy sack. He was crying because he was in desperate need of a fix.
"Please PLEASE...won't somebody give a drink?" he pleaded. "I just need a DRINK!"
Napkin was more than happy to oblige. She stood over the man and lobbed open her jowels. In less than 30 seconds she showered the homeless man with more whiskey than he had ever drank in his entire life. He scrambled quickly to scoop up as much as he could with empty styrofoam cups, discarded bottles and his own mouth.
"You are a VERY GOOD GIRL!" he cried at the top of his lungs. "Now I can stay drunk for a WHOLE WEEK!"
"Happy to help the homeless," Napkin said while zooming away down the hill.
She took a left turn which led her down a country road. While soaking up the sunshine she came across an ugly toothless woman who was crying so hard she could barely walk.
"Whar is mah HAWGS?" the woman subbed. "All my pigs has DONE RUN AWAY!"
"Here is hawgs," Napkin said.
She opened her mouth and fifty huge robust hairy pigs stampeded their way out in a mad frenzy. They crowded around the old woman who began to kiss them and massage their snouts with her fingers.
"How can I EVER repay you?" the woman asked.
"No need for that!" Napkin laughed. She got back on her scooter and headed towards downtown.
It was getting dark and Napkin was getting tired. As she rode past a beautiful old gothic theater she saw the owner standing out on the sidewalk with his arms lifted high in the air. He was obviously very upset about something.
"All of my ACTORS are sick!" he cried. "How can I ever put on the stage play this evening without actors?"
And then, as you might guess, Napkin opened her mouth and out came some of the most accomplished actors of all time. They had already memorized their lines and they came out properly suited up for their parts.
"Oh thank you, THANK YOU little girl!" the man chirped happily. "Won't you come and be a part of our play this evening?"
"Well, sure," Napkin said.
And with that, she was whisked away to the dressing room and prepared for her debut on the big stage. Her hair was made up real good to look like one of them expensive ladies. And then she was fitted with a super fancy special dress that made her look absolutely stunning all over.
When her cue came, Napkin walked onto the stage where she found herself standing next to a handsome actor man who was dressed like a cowboy. He looked at her with his big brown eyes and said...
"I wish everyone in the entire world could see how beautiful you are!"
Napkin was about to say her line. But before she could, a sudden intense flood began blowing out of her head. It was a HUGE AVALANCHE containing each and every single person on the entire earth. Hundreds, thousands...millions upon millions of people quickly filled up the theater in multiple layers. It was happening so fast that no one could really grasp exactly what was going on. Some of the people were oohing and aahing at how beautiful Napkin was, but this was almost inaudible amongst all the other noise and chaos.
It wasn't long before there was no more room and yet...millions more people continued spewing from Napkin's throat. Things got tighter and tighter...and the pressure inside the building got more and more intense...until finally something HAD to give. The building started making loud creaking sounds and the floor started to rumble.
And then...the entire theater suddenly EXPLODED in a blinding white hot flash of light, shooting out bodies and building parts in all directions. It looked something like a huge tornado, except the weather was perfectly calm and peaceful outside.
In the midst of all the flying confusion, the Pixie zipped right past Napkin with an annoyed look on its face. It resembled some kind of psychedelic kite that was quickly being torn to pieces.
"I wish I had NEVER given you the Magic Thing in the first place!" the Pixie snapped just as their eyes met.
There was a loud dull thump.
And then, in a sudden instant, everything disappeared and Napkin found herself back on her scooter right in front of a totally fantastic twelve story candy store that was unlike anything she had ever seen before.